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Yoga jokes and quotes

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Joyce Leinart Find out more about Joyce Leinart
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  • Yoga jokes and quotes

    Yoga police: "You have the right to remain silent!"

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    Kundalini Yogi sharpshooter: "Ready, aim, fire!"

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    Two men meet on the street.
    One asks the other: "Hi, how are you?"
    The other one replies: "I'm fine, thanks."
    "And how's your son? Is he still unemployed?"
    "Yes, he is. But he is meditating now."
    "Meditating? What's that?"
    "I don't know. But it's better than sitting around and doing nothing!"

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    Don't just do something -- Sit there!

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    Albert Einstein: "Before God we are all equally wise - and equally foolish."

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    Warning! Dates on the calendar may be closer than they appear!

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    Typographical error: "May your medication today bring you peace, happiness, and bliss."

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    The easiest way to get holy water is to boil the **** out of it.

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    This fellow was climbing a tree when suddenly he slipped. He grabbed a branch and was hanging there. After an hour or so passed, he was feeling exhausted. He looked up to the heavens and cried out: "God, help me, please, help me."
    Suddenly the clouds parted and a deep voice resounded, "Let Go!"
    The guy paused and looked up at heaven once more, and said: "Is there anyone else up there?"

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    Time is the best teacher, although it kills the students.

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    Bob Hope: "I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."

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    If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

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    W. B. Yeats: "Some people say there is a God; others say there is no
    God. The truth probably lies somewhere in between."

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    My karma ran over my dogma....

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    Having trouble sleeping? Try counting your blessings.

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    Garth Brooks: "Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers."

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    A group of bats, hanging from the ceiling of a cave, discover a single bat STANDING upright below them on the floor of the cave. Surprised by this unusual behavior, they ask, "What's wrong with you? What are you doing down there?" The standing bat answers, "Yoga!"

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    Elbert Hubbard: "We are punished by our sins, not for them."

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    If you want to ruin the truth, stretch it.

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    When asked what gift he wanted for his birthday, the yogi replied "I wish no gifts, only presence"

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    Garrison Keillor: "They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days."

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    If God had a telephone answering machine:

    "Thank you for calling heaven. Please select one of the following options:"

    "Press 1 for requests"
    "Press 2 for thanksgiving"
    "Press 3 for complaints"
    "Press 4 for all other inquiries"

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    Mark Twain: "Do the thing you fear most, and the death of fear is certain."

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    Some people talk about finding God, as if He or She could get lost.

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    Albert Einstein: There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as if everything is a miracle.

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    Bumper sticker: I considered being atheist, but there weren't enough holidays.

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    Procrastinate now!

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    At a moment of uncertainty a man said, "May the will of God be done."

    His friend, overhearing this, said to him, "The will of God is always done, even without asking."

    "How do you know this?" asked the first man.

    The second man explained, "I know it is so because, if it were not, there would be at least a few times when my will is done.

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    Emily Dickenson: "They say that God is everywhere, and yet we always think of Him as somewhat of a recluse."

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    When two psychic friends met, one said:
    "You are fine. How am I ?"

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    Q: What do yoga meditation and an apple peeler have in common?
    A: They both take you to the core.

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    Sign in the window of a metaphysical bookstore:
    "Vagueness spoken here"

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    The best vitamin to be a happy person is B1.

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    Q: What do yoga meditation and a fudge cake have in common?
    A: They each bring you a piece or peace of heaven.

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    Graffiti on a wall: God is dead! (Signed Friedrich Nietzsche)
    Graffiti below that: Friedrich Nietzsche is dead! (Signed God)

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    Q: How many contemplative monks does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Three. One to change the light bulb. One to not change the light bulb. One to neither change nor not change the light bulb.

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    In yoga, it's just one thing after another -- breath, breath, breath

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    Meditation student: If I'm open minded, won't my brains fall out?
    Teacher: No, just keep your mouth shut at the same time.

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    I believe in God. I just don't trust anybody who works for him.

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    If it seems like everything is coming at you, maybe you're in the wrong lane.

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    Q: How many yogis does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Into what?

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    Mahatma Gandhi: "I think it would be a good idea." (When asked what he thought about Western civilization)

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    The enlightened ones have no boundaries, but respect those of others.

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    If you believe in telekinesis, please raise my hand.

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    In the pursuit of happiness, the hard part is knowing when you've caught up.

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    Bumper sticker: God is coming... Look busy!

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    The only trouble with being a self made man is when you worship your creator.

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    Gypsy Rose Lee: "God is love, but get it in writing."

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    Q: Why couldn't the Yogi vacuum his carpet?
    A: He had lost his attachments.

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    Bertrand Russell: "One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important."

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    A temple for atheists is a non-prophet organization.

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    A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The end is near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car.

    One driver who drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"

    All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, "You think maybe we should have just said 'Bridge Out' instead?"

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    H. G. Wells: "Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo."

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    A word to the wise is sufficient, but a thousand to a fool is not quite enough.

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    Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

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    Q. What did the advertisement of the yoga teacher searching for new students say?
    A. "Inquire within"

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    Voltaire: "God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh."

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    What did the Yogi say when he walked into the Pizza Parlor?

    "Make me one with everything."

    When the Yogi got the pizza, he gave the proprietor a $20 bill. The proprietor pocketed the bill. The Yogi said "Don't I get change?"

    The proprietor said, "Change must come from within.”

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    Lily Tomlin: "Why is it when we talk to God, we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us, we're schizophrenic?"

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    George Carlin: "I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death."

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    Three Yogis are doing meditative in a remote cave. One day a sound is heard from outside the cave. After about six months, one of the yogis says, "Did you hear that goat?" Once again, there was silence. About a year later, one of the other Yogis says, "That wasn't a goat; it was a mule." Again, there was silence. About two years later the third yogi says, "If you two don't stop arguing, I'm leaving."

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    Woody Allen: "It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens."

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    Knock knock
    Who's there?
    Yoga
    Yoga who?
    Yoga to try this; it feels goooood!

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    Carl Sagan: "A celibate clergy is an especially good idea, because it tends to suppress any hereditary propensity toward fanaticism."

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    Q. What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners?
    A. Too many attachments!

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    Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.

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    \"We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.\"
    Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

  • #2
    Re: Yoga jokes and quotes



    Some of them were so good I laughed until I cried!

    Lisa
    Knowledge is power ... Stay informed!
    YOU can make a difference - all you have to do is try!

    Dx age 12 current age 46 and counting!
    lost: 5 family members to HCM (SCD, Stroke, CHF)
    Others diagnosed living with HCM (or gene +) include - daughter, niece, nephew, cousin, sister and many many friends!
    Therapy - ICD (implanted 97, 01, 04 and 11, medication
    Currently not obstructed
    Complications - unnecessary pacemaker and stroke (unrelated to each other)

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