Snippets

[Burton Borrok Dearly Departed Find all posts View Profile Close Burton Borrok]

Baptizing A Drunk

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, Have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus." The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?" The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus.

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again---but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking and waving his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk," For the love of God, have you found Jesus?" The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath then says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?”


This is Heaven

Sam and Edith were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and there an escort was waiting to show them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath, plus their favorite clothes hanging in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."

Sam asked how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," their companion replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven." Sam looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth. "What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man. "This is heaven," the companion replied. "You can play for free, every day."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said their companion to Sam. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at Edith. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked. "That's the best part," the companion replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"

Sam pushed, "No gym to work out at?" "Not unless you want to," was the answer. "No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..." "Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself." Sam glared at Edith and said, "You and your damned bran muffins. We could have been here 15 years ago!"


People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance. They were even trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman.

He just sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said. "Don't you know who I am? The man replied, "Yep, sure do." "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope, sure ain't." said the man. "Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone. "Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan. "Yep," was the calm reply. "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope," said the old man. More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 51 years."


Colored and white folk?

This was written by a black guy in Texas.....so funny.....what a great sense of humor and creativity!!!

When I born - I black, when I grow up - I black, when I go in sun – I black, when I cold - I black, when I scared - I black, when I sick - I black, and when I die - I still .black.

You white folks....when you born, you pink, when you grow up, you white, when you go in sun, you red, when you cold, you blue, when you scared, you yellow, when you sick, you green, when you bruised, you purple, and when you die, you gray.

So who you callin' colored folk's ???


Out of the mouths of bab’s.

NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, ‘cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

[Burton Borrok Dearly Departed Find all posts View Profile Close Burton Borrok]

Re: Snippets

Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers, when she passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers, on their way to classes. As she passed the young women, Mother Superior said, "Good morning ladies." The novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with you." But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other, "I think she got out on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue. A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the Sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years. She greeted them with, "Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you wisdom for our students today." "Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you." But once again, after they passed, the Mother Superior overheard one say to the other, "She got out on the wrong side of bed today."

Now baffled, Mother Superior started to wonder if she had spoken harshly, or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant. Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary slowly approaching with her walker. With plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face, Mother Superior said, "Good morning, Sister Mary. I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today and grants you a wonderful day." "Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior, and thank you. I see you got out on the wrong side of bed this morning."

Mother Superior was floored! "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant, but three times already today, people have said that about me." Sister Mary stopped ambling and, with a sweet smile, looked Mother Superior in the face. "Oh, don't take it so personally, Mother Superior. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers."




Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their own moonshine operations. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swaller?" The woman shakes her head no.
"Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says "Ya know, I'd heard of that there "Hind Lick Maneuver", but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"

[shirleymahoney Brave Heart Find all posts View Profile Close shirleymahoney]

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Burt

Those were great!!!!!!!!!!

Shirley

[Lisa Salberg HCMA CEO and Founder Find all posts View Profile Close Lisa Salberg]

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Boy Burt... you have to stay out of the hospital...these jokes are great! What would we do without you!


Lisa

[Burton Borrok Dearly Departed Find all posts View Profile Close Burton Borrok]

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AND THAT"S THE WAY IT IS . . .

In the beginning...God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower, and spinach, with green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's and Krispy Kreme. And Satan said: "You want hot fudge with that?" And Man said: "Yes!" And Woman said: "I'll have one too ....with sprinkles."

And lo they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them. And Woman went from size 2 to size 14.

So God said: "Try my fresh green garden salad." And Satan presented crumbled Bleu Cheese dressing and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said: "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep-fried coconut shrimp, butter-dipped lobster chunks, and chicken-fried steak--so big it needed its own platter.

And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt.

And Man put on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and the 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then Satan said: "You want fries with that?" And Man replied: "Yes! And super size 'em!" And Satan said: "It is good."

And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest. God sighed.and created quadruple by-pass surgery.
And then Satan chuckled and created - HMO's

[Darren1 Ventricle Find all posts View Profile Close Darren1]

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Those are great. The last one should have that Satan created HMO's AND LAWYERS!

[Glen Beamish Super Contributor Find all posts View Profile Close Glen Beamish]

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Burton, good stuff.
With all these jokes, you should write a joke book.

[Burton Borrok Dearly Departed Find all posts View Profile Close Burton Borrok]

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Hi Glen,
Good to hear from you again, and thanks for the kind words. About the joke book – those are not my jokes. I’m just passing along other people’s WIZZ-dom.
Burt

[shirleymahoney Brave Heart Find all posts View Profile Close shirleymahoney]

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Burt

You can post some of the jokes i've sent I would not mind, I hope you are still doing ok, Tell your Shirley I said HI


Shirley

[Burton Borrok Dearly Departed Find all posts View Profile Close Burton Borrok]

Re: Snippets

Hi Shirley,
Hope you are being a good girl and are continuing to heal the way you should. About the jokes you send me – those are your jokes. If you would like to share them with the board, (and I hope you do) they should be yours to post.

My Shirley sends her regards right back to you.
Burt