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34 Reasons To Smile

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Burton Borrok Find out more about Burton Borrok
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  • 34 Reasons To Smile

    Well - I finally got another one I could post. Hope you enjoy it.

    1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

    2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

    3. I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

    4. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

    5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

    6. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

    7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

    8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

    9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

    10. Quoting one is plagiarism; quoting many is research.

    11. I'm not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing.

    12. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

    13. NyQuil, - the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

    14. God must love stupid people; he made so many.

    15. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

    16. It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.

    17. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

    18. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

    19. MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by the Three Mile Island cleanup crew.

    20. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it.

    21. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

    22. Procrastinate Now!

    23. My dog can lick anyone!

    24. I have a degree in liberal arts; - do you want fries with that?

    25. FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.

    26. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

    27. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

    28. STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. - Park elsewhere!

    29. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

    30. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

    31. A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up three thousand times the memory on your computer.

    32. HAM AND EGGS -- A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

    33. The trouble with life is there's no background music!

    34. Don't piss me off ‘cause I am running out of places to hide the bodies.

  • #2
    Re: 34 Reasons To Smile

    On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed.

    On the second day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.

    On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again.

    On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years! No way, man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the dog gave back and the ten the monkey gave back, that makes eighty, Okay?" "Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."

    So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

    Life has now been explained...

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    • #3
      Re: 34 Reasons To Smile

      35. Insanity is hereditary.......you get it from your kids.
      Lisa\'s favorite (and smarter) big brother.

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      • #4
        Re: 34 Reasons To Smile

        36. You don’t have to be crazy to work here – We’ll train you.

        One of Lisa’s many admirers.
        Burt

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        • #5
          Re: 34 Reasons To Smile

          37. Roses are red, Violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic - - - and so am I.

          38. Be careful. Accidents cause people.

          39. Don’t run in a two man race unless you are prepared to come in next to last.

          40. If a man wants to bet with you that he can spit wooden nickels and make cider come out of his ear at the same time, the minute you bet with him you will have a face full of wooden nickels and a shoe full of cider. (Advice Mark Twain reports to have gotten from his farther.)

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