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String Of Jokes

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VonMende Find out more about VonMende
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  • String Of Jokes

    > 2004 is going to be a very good year.
    >
    > NEW EXERCISE PROGRAM
    >
    > Here's an exercise program for the new year. Some say it's targeted
    for
    > seniors, but after having done it
    > I have to say I know a number of people who could benefit from it,
    whether
    > they are seniors or not.
    >
    > You might want to take it easy at first, then build up your speed and
    > repetitions as you become more proficient.
    > It may be too strenuous for some.
    >
    > ALWAYS CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE STARTING ANY EXERCISE PROGRAM.
    >
    > NOW SCROLL DOWN...
    >
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > > NOW SCROLL UP...
    > >
    > > That's enough for the first day.

  • #2
    Re: String Of Jokes

    A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

    Smart *** kid in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

    The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

    When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

    It took 15 minutes for the class to come to order.......

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: String Of Jokes

      Blondes Siding a House


      Two blondes are working on a house. One of them, who's nailing
      down siding, has been reaching into her pouch, pulling out a nail, and
      either tossing it over her shoulder or nailing it in.

      The second blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asks, "Hey
      how come you're throwing half the nails over your shoulder?"

      The first blonde explains, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's
      pointed toward me, I throw it away because it's defective. If it's
      pointed toward the house, then I nail it in."

      "You moron!" the second blonde yells. "The nails pointed toward you
      aren't defective. They're for the other side of the house."

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: String Of Jokes

        Three Guys in Heaven
        > >
        Three guys died and when St. Peter met them at the pearly gates, he said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big. What kind of car you get will depend on your answer."
        The first guy walked up and St. Peter asked him, "How long were
        you married?" He answered, "24 years." "Did you ever cheat on
        your wife?", St. Peter asked. The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times ... but you
        said I was forgiven." St. Peter said, "Yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto to drive."
        The second guy walked up and got the same question from St. Peter.
        He answered, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once,
        but that was our first year and we really worked it out." St. Peter said,
        "I'm pleased to hear that. Here's a Lincoln."
        The third guy walked up and said, "St. Peter, I know what you're going
        to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman!
        I treated my wife like a queen!" St. Peter said, "That's what I like
        to hear. Here's a Jaguar!"
        A few days later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto
        saw the guy with the Jaguar, crying on the golden sidewalk. When they
        asked him what was wrong, he said, "I just saw my wife. She was on a
        skateboard!"

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: String Of Jokes

          The following passage is from a sermon by John Hagee of
          > >> Cornerstone Church in San Antonio:
          > >>
          > >> I want you to close your eyes and picture in your mind the
          > >> soldier at Valley Forge, as he holds his musket in his
          > >> bloody hands. He stands barefoot in the snow, starved
          > >> from lack of food, wounded from months of battle and
          > >> emotionally scarred from the eternity away from his
          > >> family surrounded by nothing but death and carnage of
          > >> war. He stands though, with fire in his eyes and
          > >> victory on his breath. He looks at us now in anger and
          > >> disgust and tells us this...

          I gave you a birthright of freedom born in the Constitution and now your children graduate too illiterate to read it.
          I fought in the snow barefoot to give you the freedom to vote and You stay at home because it rains!
          I left my family destitute to give you the freedom of speech and
          You remain silent on critical issues, because it might be bad for business.
          I orphaned my children to give you a government to serve you and it has stolen democracy from the people.
          It's the soldier, not the reporter who gives you the freedom of The press.
          It's the soldier, not the poet who gives you the freedom of speech.
          It's the soldier, not the campus organizer who allows you to demonstrate. It's the soldier, who salutes the flag, serves the flag, whose Coffin is draped with the flag that allows the protester to burn the flag!!!

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: String Of Jokes

            A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid.
            The office worker asked her, 'How many children do
            you have?'

            'Ten,' she replied.

            'What are their names?' he asked.

            'LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy,
            LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy,' she answered.

            'They're all named LeRoy?' he asked 'What if you want
            them to come in from playing outside?'

            'Oh, that's easy,' she said. 'I just call 'LeRoy,' and they
            all come running in.'

            'And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?'

            'I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner',' she answered.

            'But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?'
            he asked.

            'Oh, that's easy,' she said. 'I just use their last name!'

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: String Of Jokes

              An elderly woman lived on a small farm in Canada,
              just yards away from the North Dakota border.

              Their land had been the subject of a minor
              dispute between the United States and Canada
              for years.

              The widowed woman lived on the farm with her
              son and three grandchildren.

              One day, her son came into her room holding a
              letter. 'I just got some news, Mom,' he said.
              'The government has come to an agreement with the
              people in North Dakota. They've decided that our
              land is really part of the United States. We have
              the right to approve or disapprove of the
              agreement. What do you think?'

              'What do I think?' his mother said. 'Sign it!
              Call them right now and tell them we accept!
              I don't think I can stand another Canadian winter!'

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: String Of Jokes

                One day another mom that homeschools and I were spending
                the day together. As the children were playing, we
                recounted various stories to one another and just enjoyed
                each other's company.

                The subject came up of being frugal and not wasting food.
                Her face jumped to a story with obvious relevance to this
                topic, and my three-year-old and I listened intently.

                "Angie," she said. "I was grilling hamburgers outside
                this past summer, and they were just done.... nice and
                juicy."

                She has four children just like me, so I knew she was
                talking about at least eight hamburgers.

                "As I was taking the meat off the grill, it slipped, and
                all the meat fell into the ashes!! I couldn't just throw
                them away! So I scooped those puppies up, brought them
                inside, carefully washed them off, and we ate them! They
                were just fine. In fact, they tasted great!"

                As I was congratulating her on a job well ! done and a
                problem successfully overcome, I noticed the distressed
                look on my young daughter's face.

                In total seriousness and quite earnestly she said,
                "No, we don't eat puppies!! No! We pet puppies!"

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: String Of Jokes

                  A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of
                  the application, he waited anxiously for the outcome.

                  The employer read his application and said, "We have
                  an opening for people like you."

                  "Oh, great," he said, "What is it?"

                  "It's called the door!"

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: String Of Jokes

                    Jack and Benny were lunching at a local restaurant,
                    and Benny was wrestling with the problem of whether
                    or not to butter his bread.

                    'I like butter on my bread,' he said. 'But my diet
                    strictly forbids butter. Maybe I should call my wife
                    Mary and ask her what to do.'

                    'Benny,' Jack said, 'don't be ridiculous. You're a
                    grown man. You should be able to decide, without your
                    wife's help, whether or not to butter your own bread.'

                    'You're right,' Benny said. 'I'll just have the butter,
                    that's all.'

                    When the waiter arrived with the check, Jack pointed
                    to Benny and said, 'He's paying.'

                    'What?' Benny said. 'Why should I have to pay the
                    whole bill?

                    'Because if you don't,' Jack said, 'I'll tell Mary
                    about the butter.'

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: String Of Jokes

                      An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa
                      had a malfunction, and went down. A few weeks later,
                      Pepsi Company sent a rescue plane. They searched
                      the area and found a tribe of cannibals. They walked up
                      to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew
                      anything about the crash.

                      The Chief said, 'Yeah.' When asked where the crew was,
                      the Chief replied, 'We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi.'

                      The rescue crew was shocked. One man asked, 'Did you
                      eat their legs?'

                      The chief replied, 'We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi.'

                      Another rescuer asked, 'Did you eat their arms?'

                      The Chief said, 'We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi.'

                      After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked,
                      Did you.. you know...eat their...'things'??'

                      The chief says, 'No.'

                      'No?' asked the rescuer.

                      'No,' replied the Chief, 'THINGS go better with Coke!'

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: String Of Jokes

                        The old Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking
                        the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the US government officials
                        sent to interview him.

                        'Chief Two Eagles,' one official began, 'You have observed
                        the white man for 90 years. You have observed his wars
                        and his material wealth. You have seen his progress and
                        the damage he has done.'

                        The Chief nodded that it was so.

                        The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in
                        your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

                        The Chief stared at the government officials for over a
                        minute, and then calmly replied, 'When white man
                        found the land, Indians were running it.

                        'No taxes
                        No debt
                        Plenty buffalo
                        Plenty beaver
                        Women did all the work
                        Medicine man free
                        Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing,
                        All night made love to his woman.'

                        Then the Chief leaned back and smiled, 'White man
                        dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: String Of Jokes

                          A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: "Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.

                          God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

                          Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

                          At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

                          At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love which he managed to get through without complaint.

                          The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back." The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: String Of Jokes

                            A husband took his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife
                            promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
                            The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up
                            there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us." So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."
                            When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke the window?"
                            "Uh... yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
                            "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a
                            genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give
                            you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for
                            myself"
                            "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
                            "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And
                            I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
                            "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,"she said.
                            "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
                            "And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
                            "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a womanin more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
                            The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
                            She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.
                            Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?" "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband.
                            So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
                            After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked
                            directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
                            "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
                            "NO SH1T, thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: String Of Jokes

                              After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her night stand right beside the bed.

                              He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

                              "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

                              "Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

                              "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

                              "Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

                              "No, no, no!!!" she answers.

                              "Well, who in the **** is he, then?" he demands.

                              "That's me before the surgery."

                              Comment

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