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1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.
3. Going to a church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. It isn't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.
13. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
14. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
15. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
16. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
17. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
18. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away one week before you need it.
19. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
20. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
21. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
22. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
23. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
24. If you must choose between two evils, chose the one that you've never tried before.
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Mattel recently announced the release of Limited-Edition So-Cal dolls for the Southern California market:
Irvine Barbie
This princess Barbie is only sold at The Irvine Spectrum. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey, and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with "augmented” version.
Tustin Barbie
This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately.
Van Nuys Barbie
This recently paroled former "Porn Actress" Barbie comes with a 9 mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a methlab kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be paid for in cash. Preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.
Santa Monica Barbie
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card, and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.
Fontana Barbie
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.
Newport Coast Barbie
This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard print bikini outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at the beach house. Percocet prescription available.
Riverside Barbie
This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Fontana Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter top. Also available with a mobile home.
Laguna Beach Barbie
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her “Willow." She does not want or need a Ken doll, but you if purchase two Laguna Beach Barbie's and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free.
Long Beach Barbie
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his ‘79 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.
Rancho Santa Margarita Barbie
She's perfect in every way. We don't know who Ken is because he’s always away hunting.
City of Industry Barbie
This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary plates and three baby Barbies in the back seat, but no car seats. The optional Ken doll comes with a meatpacker's uniform and is missing three fingers on his left hand. Green cards are not available for City of Industry Barbie or Ken.
West Hollywood Barbie/Ken
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken and back by simply adding or subtracting the multiple "snap-on" parts.
2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.
3. Going to a church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. It isn't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.
13. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
14. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
15. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
16. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
17. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
18. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away one week before you need it.
19. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
20. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
21. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
22. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
23. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
24. If you must choose between two evils, chose the one that you've never tried before.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mattel recently announced the release of Limited-Edition So-Cal dolls for the Southern California market:
Irvine Barbie
This princess Barbie is only sold at The Irvine Spectrum. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey, and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with "augmented” version.
Tustin Barbie
This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately.
Van Nuys Barbie
This recently paroled former "Porn Actress" Barbie comes with a 9 mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a methlab kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be paid for in cash. Preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.
Santa Monica Barbie
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card, and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.
Fontana Barbie
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.
Newport Coast Barbie
This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard print bikini outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at the beach house. Percocet prescription available.
Riverside Barbie
This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Fontana Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter top. Also available with a mobile home.
Laguna Beach Barbie
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her “Willow." She does not want or need a Ken doll, but you if purchase two Laguna Beach Barbie's and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free.
Long Beach Barbie
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his ‘79 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.
Rancho Santa Margarita Barbie
She's perfect in every way. We don't know who Ken is because he’s always away hunting.
City of Industry Barbie
This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary plates and three baby Barbies in the back seat, but no car seats. The optional Ken doll comes with a meatpacker's uniform and is missing three fingers on his left hand. Green cards are not available for City of Industry Barbie or Ken.
West Hollywood Barbie/Ken
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken and back by simply adding or subtracting the multiple "snap-on" parts.
