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String of Jokes


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VonMende Find out more about VonMende
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  • String of Jokes

    A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes.

    When the man sat down and began observing the tools he noticed there were three items on a stand next to the exam table.

    *a tube of K-Y jelly
    *rubber gloves, and
    *a beer

    When the doctor finally came in the man said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

    The doctor became noticeably outraged, stormed over to the door, flung it open, and yelled to his nurse.......

    Dang it Helen! I said a BUTT LIGHT !!!

  • #2
    Re: String of Jokes

    An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of

    sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious

    looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good,

    the smell was wonderful.

    He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied,

    "Ah senior, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the

    bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

    The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the ****, I'm on

    vacation! Bring me an order!"

    The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senior. There is only one serving per

    day because there is only one bullfight each morning.

    If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you

    this delicacy!"

    The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that

    evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

    After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to

    the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller

    than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

    The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senior, Sometimes the

    bull wins."


    • #3
      Re: String of Jokes

      It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that

      visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got

      off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how

      she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it

      warmed up and thought about her situation. She

      finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got

      caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to

      come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck

      in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure

      enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it.

      As she follows the snow plow she was feeling very smug as

      they continued and she was not having any problem with

      the blizzard conditions. After quite some time had passed

      she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and

      the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for

      her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver

      wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following

      him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him

      of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in

      a blizzard. The driver replied that it was OK with him and

      she could continue if she wanted but he was done with the

      Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to K-Mart next


      • #4
        Re: String of Jokes

        Two factory workers are talking.

        "I think I'll take some time off from work." said the man.

        "How do you think you'll do that?" said the blonde.

        He proceeded to show her.... by climbing up to the rafters, and hanging
        upside down. The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling,
        and asked him what on earth he was doing? "I'm a light bulb" answered the guy.

        "I think you need some time off," said the boss.

        So the man jumped down and walked out of the factory.

        The blonde began walking out too. The boss asked her where she thought she was going?

        The blonde answered, "Home, I can't work in the dark".


        • #5
          Re: String of Jokes

          Whether a man winds up with the nest egg or a goose egg
          depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

          Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy
          earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar

          Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not
          for good.

          When a man marries a woman, they become one but the
          trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

          If a man has enough "horse sense" to treat his wife like a
          thoroughbred, she will never be an old nag.

          Judgin' from the specimens they pick for husbands, it's no
          wonder that brides often blush.

          On anniversaries the wise husband always forgets the
          past...but never the present.

          A foolish husband remarks to his wife: "Honey, you stick
          to the washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife
          of mine is gonna work."

          The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the
          interest is kept up.

          Many girls like to marry a military man--he can cook, sew,
          make beds, and is in good health...and he's already used
          to taking orders.


          • #6
            Re: String of Jokes

            If people from Poland are called 'Poles', why
            aren't people from Holland called 'Holes'?

            Do you suppose infants enjoy infancy as much
            as adults enjoy adultery?

            Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs?
            Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?

            If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

            Why is the man who invests all your money called
            a broker?

            When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it

            Why is a person who plays the piano called a
            pianist but a person who drives a race car not
            called a racist?

            Why isn't 11 pronounced 'onety one'?

            'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the
            English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the
            longest sentence?

            Why is it that if someone tells you there are 1
            billion stars in our galaxy you will believe
            them. But if they tell you a wall has wet paint,
            you have to touch it to be sure?

            Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
            Is it allowed to drink tea during cofee breaks?

            I thought about how mothers feed their babies with
            tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what
            do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

            If olive oil comes from olives, and corn oil comes
            from corn, where does baby oil come from?


            • #7
              Re: String of Jokes

              As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up.
              She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and
              knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window,
              and she says 'Hi, my name is Heather and you are
              losing some of your load.' The trucker ignores her and
              proceeds down the street.

              When the truck stops for another red light, the girl
              catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up
              and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers
              the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde
              says brightly, 'Hi my name is Heather, and you are
              losing some of your load!'

              Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and
              continues down the street.

              At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
              All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs
              up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the
              window. Again she says 'Hi, my name is Heather,
              and you are losing some of your load!'

              When the light turns green the trucker revs up and
              races to the next light. When he stops this time, he
              hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the
              blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers
              it, he says...'Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in West
              Virginia, and I'm driving a SALT TRUCK!'


              • #8
                Re: String of Jokes

                NO OFFENSE ANYONE........

                She was Soooooooo Blonde . .
                * She thought a quarterback was a refund.
                * She thought General Motors was in the army.
                * She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
                * She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
                * At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."

                She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
                * She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
                * She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
                * Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

                She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
                * She tripped over a cordless phone.
                * She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
                * She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
                * She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

                She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
                * She studied for a blood test.
                * She sold the car for gas money.
                * When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
                * When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

                She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
                * When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
                * She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
                * She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
                * She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."

                She is sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...

                She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.


                • #9
                  Re: String of Jokes

                  If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
                  (Hardly seems worth it.)

                  If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
                  (Now that's more like it!)

                  The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

                  A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
                  (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

                  A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)

                  Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
                  (Do not try this at home!!!...... maybe at work.)

                  The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head! off.
                  ("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

                  The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
                  (30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)

                  The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
                  (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

                  Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
                  (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

                  Butterflies taste with their feet.
                  (Something I always wanted to know.)

                  The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

                  Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer
                  than left-handed people.
                  (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

                  Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
                  (OK, so that would be a good thing....)

                  A cat's urine glows under a black light.
                  (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

                  An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
                  (I know some people like that.)

                  Starfish have no brains.
                  (I know some people like that too.)

                  Polar bears are left-handed.
                  (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

                  Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??)


                  • #10
                    Re: String of Jokes

                    Not a joke but something to think about

                    One day a teacher asked her students to list the names of the other students in the room on two sheets of paper, leaving a space between each name.

                    Then she told them to think of the nicest thing they could say about each of their classmates and write it down.

                    It took the remainder of the class period to finish their assignment, and as the students left the room, each one handed in the papers.

                    That Saturday, the teacher wrote down the name of each student on a separate sheet of paper, and listed what everyone else had said about that individual.

                    On Monday she gave each student his or her list. Before long, the entire class was smiling. "Really?" she heard whispered. "I never knew that I meant anything to anyone!" and, "I didn't know others liked me so much." were most of the comments.

                    No one ever mentioned those papers in class again. She never knew if they discussed them after class or with their parents, but it didn't matter. The exercise had accomplished its purpose. The students were happy with themselves and one another. That group of students moved on.

                    Several years later, one of the students was killed in Viet Nam and his teacher attended the funeral of that special student. She had never seen a serviceman in a military coffin before. He looked so handsome, so mature.

                    The church was packed with his friends. One by one those who loved him took a last walk by the coffin. The teacher was the last one to bless the coffin.

                    As she stood there, one of the soldiers who acted as pallbearer came up to her. "Were you Mark's math teacher?" he asked. She nodded: "yes." Then he said: "Mark talked about you a lot."

                    After the funeral, most of Mark's former classmates went together to a luncheon. Mark's mother and father were there, obviously waiting to speak with his teacher.

                    "We want to show you something," his father said, taking a wallet out of his pocket. "They found this on Mark when he was killed. We thought you might recognize it."

                    Opening the billfold, he carefully removed two worn pieces of notebook paper that had obviously been taped, folded and refolded many times. The teacher knew without looking that the papers were the ones on which she had listed all the good things each of Mark's classmates had said about him.

                    "Thank you so much for doing that," Mark's mother said. "As you can see, Mark treasured it."

                    All of Mark's former classmates started to gather around. Charlie smiled rather sheepishly and said, "I still have my list. It's in the top drawer of my desk at home."

                    Chuck's wife said, "Chuck asked me to put his in our wedding album."

                    "I have mine too," Marilyn said. "It's in my diary."

                    Then Vicki, another classmate, reached into her pocketbook, took out her wallet and showed her worn and frazzled list to the group. "I carry this with me at all times," Vicki said and without batting an eyelash, she continued: "I think we all saved our lists."

                    That's when the teacher finally sat down and cried. She cried for Mark and for all his friends who would never see him again.

                    The density of people in society is so thick that we forget that life will end one day. And we don't know when that one day will be.

                    So please, tell the people you love and care for, that they are special and important. Tell them, before it is too late.

                    Remember, you reap what you sow. What you put into the lives of others comes back into your own.


                    • #11
                      Re: String of Jokes

                      A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"
                      "Both son. God is both."

                      After awhile the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"

                      "Both son, both." "Daddy, does God love children?"

                      "Yes son, he loves all children."

                      The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"


                      • #12
                        Re: String of Jokes

                        While I was "flying" down the road yesterday (i.e., 10
                        mph over the limit), I passed under a bridge only to find a
                        policeman with a radar gun on the other side laying in

                        He pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that
                        classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's
                        your hurry?"

                        To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

                        "Oh, yeah," said the policeman, "what do you do?"

                        "I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

                        The policeman stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher?
                        And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

                        "Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way
                        up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my
                        whole hand in I work side to side until I can get both hands in, and
                        then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 foot wide."

                        "And just what the **** do you do with a 6-foot asshole?"

                        To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun
                        and park him behind a bridge ..."

                        Traffic Ticket: 95.00
                        Court Costs: 45.00
                        The look on his face: Priceless


                        • #13
                          Re: String of Jokes

                          Colonoscopy humor

                          A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:

                          1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."

                          2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

                          3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

                          4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"

                          5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

                          6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

                          7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

                          8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."

                          9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

                          10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"

                          11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

                          12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

                          AND FINALLY (drum roll and cymbal crash.....)

                          13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"


                          • #14
                            Re: String of Jokes

                            Only In A Hospital:

                            A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.

                            Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

                            At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.

                            Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

                            One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart,"

                            Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

                            I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large letter on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

                            Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

                            During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see! . Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Since incident, the instructions now include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

                            Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

                            While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive,"

                            Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

                            I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

                            Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

                            And Finally . . . . . A new, young MD when doing his residency in OB, was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."


                            • #15
                              Re: String of Jokes

                              *a girls first time*

                              (Assume you are a girl if you are a boy)

                              It's your first time. As you lie back your

                              muscles tighten. You put him

                              off for a while searching for an excuse, but he

                              ;refuses to be swayed as he

                              approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you

                              shake your head bravely.

                              He has had more experience, but it's the first

                              time his finger has found

                              the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver;

                              your body tenses; but

                              he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks

                              deeply within your eyes

                              and tells you to trust him - he's done this many

                              times before. His cool

                              smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him

                              ;more room for an easy

                              entrance.You begin to plead and beg him to hurry,

                              but he slowly takes his

                              time, wanting to cause you as little pain as

                              possible. As he presses

                              ;closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give

                              way; pain surges throughout

                              your body and you feel the slight trickle of

                              blood as he continues. He

                              looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too

                              painful.Your eyes are

                              filled with tears but you shake your head and nod

                              for him to go on. He

                              begins going in and out with skill but you are

                              now too numb to feel him

                              within you. After a few moments, you feel

                              something bursting within you and

                              he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to

                              have it over. He looks

                              at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a

                              chuckle; that you have been

                              his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

                              You smile and thank your

                              dentist. After all,it was your first time to have

                              a tooth pulled.

                              Naughty, Naughty!

                              What were you thinkin' ?

                              Get Your Head out of the gutter!

                              I know what you were thinking!


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