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A Mistake I Will Not Repeat

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Burton Borrok Find out more about Burton Borrok
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  • A Mistake I Will Not Repeat

    A Mistake I Will Not Repeat
    By Michael Seale

    Ah! Valentine's Day...A day for lovers, romance and flowers. A day for hearts, candy and jewelry, but apparently not a day for appliances. I give up. I will never be able to figure out the unspoken language between men and women. And to think I got married two months ago secure in the knowledge that I had finally figured out how to play the game. I was wrong.

    You see, I proudly presented to my new wife, on our very first Valentine's Day as young newlyweds, a food processor for her St. Valentine's Day gift. She gazed upon this appliance - one she had mentioned week after week that she desperately needed - and said, "Oh. A food processor." I have always heard that when someone says what the gift is upon receiving it, it's not a good gift (i.e., "Oh. A Chia pet").

    Did I mention that my wife has repeatedly said how much she wanted a food processor? See, I am of the school of thought that says when I ask, "What's wrong?" and my wife answers, "Nothing," I assume nothing is wrong. And when my wife tells me she wants something, I want to get it for her. She wanted a food processor. She got it. So why did I have to sleep on the couch Wednesday night?

    My coworkers laughed at me when I pleaded my case to them. I guess they all attended Gift-Giving 101. I must have missed that class. My boss asked me, and I quote, "Are you an idiot?" I suppose I am. To make matters worse, my wife's coworkers scoffed at my gift, wondering why she would even consider marrying a heathen like me. How dare I? A food processor, indeed!

    I'm not a complete idiot. It's not like I gave her a lawn mower or a subscription to "Sports Illustrated." I didn't even get her that certificate for a free oil change I was tempted to buy. I gave her what she wanted. And she didn't want it.

    I was informed by a female friend of mine that the proper action to take was to buy my wife the food processor on Arbor Day or Flag Day or some random Monday. Never on Valentine's Day. Another friend said gifts like mine conjure images of housework and stuff that has absolutely nothing to do with romance. What happened to "It's the thought that counts"? I had no idea there were guidelines for which days to give what.

    The food processor, I am told, was not personal enough for Valentine's Day. How personal do I need to get? I'm not buying underwear, or anything else she would have to wear, for that matter. If you knew anything of my fashion acumen, you'd agree with me. I was probably the only person in the world who knew she wanted a food processor. Everyone else got flowers and candy. She got a major appliance. That's pretty personalized, don't you think?

    I think my gift blunder has less to do with outright stupidity on my part and more to do with a general communication breakdown between the sexes. I have recently discovered that "Watch whatever you want" does not include "SportsCenter." I just learned that "Whatever you want to do" does not mean that I can play golf with my friends on Saturday afternoons. I used to think that females found the stereotypical male behaviors cute, even charming. You know, hanging my ties on the doorknob, never making my bed, cold pizza for breakfast, memorizing Caddyshack, cleaning out my refrigerator maybe once every time Neptune orbits the sun. It's all so guy-ish and adorable.

    I was wrong on all counts. And I obviously didn't know that "I really wish I had a food processor" meant "Don't you dare give me anything with a cord and a plug for Valentine's Day!" I know now. And I promise to spread the word to all males who are considering shopping at Sears or Home Depot for Valentine's gifts. For now, I guess I'd better start thinking of a way to make this up to my wife. I should probably start by returning the sewing machine I was going to give her for her birthday next week.

  • #2
    Re: A Mistake I Will Not Repeat

    I happen to know for an absolute fact, that a new sewing machine is the perfect gift for any occassion.

    ( hey Burton, I am enjoying your stuff here alot, but as an appointed moderator of this forum, I would like to suggest that you need not create a new thread for each new joke. It ends up taking up alot of space, and it's easier to put a whole bunch of haha's on one thread! Thanks! Larry)
    Lisa\'s favorite (and smarter) big brother.

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    • #3
      Re: A Mistake I Will Not Repeat

      Burt that is such a true statement for men

      I used to get the same thing from my husband he has learned also. i get flowers and candy now

      But you know as i have gotten older it not that important to me, i know he loves me not for what he buys me, but because we are together after 29 years now


      Shirley
      Diagnosed 2003
      Myectomy 2-23-2004
      Husband: Ken
      Son: John diagnosed 2004
      Daughter: Janet (free of HCM)

      Grandchildren: Drew 15,Aaron 13,Karen 9,Connor 9

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      • #4
        Re: A Mistake I Will Not Repeat

        and Burton ,no means yes for this occasion also.never assume when she says to "not get her chocolate because she will get fat" This means you better get her a box just to give her the confidence that you dont think she will get fat and never ever ever agree with that statement
        Rich
        Allways remember you cannot control the wind!!
        However you can adjust your sails!!

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        • #5
          Re: A Mistake I Will Not Repeat

          Let’s see now. . . .
          Larry, I’m glad you enjoy the humor. I have strung some on the same thread in the past, and sometimes it is not possible, but I will exercise more diligence in the future. I know what it’s like to eat up available space.

          Shirley, I have also learned over the years, into our 47th so far, but candy doesn’t cut it since we are both diabetic now, and I like to save flowers for ‘no reason’ gifts, not for special occasions. I have to work at the proper gifts for those.

          Rich, As I said before, candy may be dandy, and liquor may be quicker, but I can’t resort to either anymore. - - and boy, “More to love” is just jumping into the fire. That kind of remark will make you wish you had furnished the dog house. I don’t know, what do you buy for a girl who needs everything? I know she would kill for exercise equipment - - and I know exactly who she would kill. Oh, and one more thing, if you can’t control the wind, - have you tried Gas-X?

          For those who post responses, and for those who only read and enjoy the posts, it’s really gratifying to know somebody somewhere is happier for them. I always say, G-d gave us life, but it’s up to us to enjoy it.

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