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At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual
later discovered to be a public school teacher was
arrested trying to board a flight while in possession
of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule,
and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney general
John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of
the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged
by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-Gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire
average solutions by means and extremes,
and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of
absolute value. They use secret code names like "x"
and "y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns.
" but we have determined they belong to a common
denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates
in everycountry."
"As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say,
there are 3 sides to every triangle," Ashcroft
declared.
When asked to comment on the arrest, President
Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better
weapons of math instruction, He would have given you
more fingers and toes."
"I am gratified that our government has given us a
sine that it is intent on protracting us from these
math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with
calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to
inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the
President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we
must differentiate their root, make our point, and
draw the line."
President Bush warned, "These weapons of math
instruction have the potential to decimal everything
in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we
become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to
factor-in random facts of vertex."
Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great
Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one
principle he is uncertainty of: though they continue
to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse
tightens around their necks."
later discovered to be a public school teacher was
arrested trying to board a flight while in possession
of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule,
and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney general
John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of
the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged
by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-Gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire
average solutions by means and extremes,
and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of
absolute value. They use secret code names like "x"
and "y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns.
" but we have determined they belong to a common
denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates
in everycountry."
"As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say,
there are 3 sides to every triangle," Ashcroft
declared.
When asked to comment on the arrest, President
Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better
weapons of math instruction, He would have given you
more fingers and toes."
"I am gratified that our government has given us a
sine that it is intent on protracting us from these
math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with
calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to
inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the
President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we
must differentiate their root, make our point, and
draw the line."
President Bush warned, "These weapons of math
instruction have the potential to decimal everything
in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we
become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to
factor-in random facts of vertex."
Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great
Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one
principle he is uncertainty of: though they continue
to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse
tightens around their necks."
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