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Joke of the day

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Lisa Salberg Find out more about Lisa Salberg
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  • #31
    Crowded in Heaven !!


    It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God
    decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order
    to get into Heaven, you had to have a real bummer of a day when you
    died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

    The next day at 12:01am, the first person came to the gates of Heaven.
    The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the
    man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going
    when you died. "

    "No problem, " the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on
    my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having
    an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began
    searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire
    apartment.

    Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the
    balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his
    fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and
    stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you
    know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he
    didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside
    to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly
    enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged
    it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It
    plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment as
    so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly. "
    The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a
    bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir.
    Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven, " and let him in.

    A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said, "Before I can
    let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died. "
    "No problem, " said the second man. "But you're not going to believe
    this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily
    exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing
    hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped,
    and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself
    by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this
    crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps
    on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at
    the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying
    there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I
    see this guy push his REFRIGERATOR, of all things, off the balcony. It
    falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly. "

    The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story.
    "I could get used to this new policy, " he thinks to himself. "Very
    well, " the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven, "and he
    lets the man enter.

    A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says,
    "Please tell me how you died. "

    The third man says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside a
    refrigerator. . . . . . .
    Reenie

    ****************
    Husband has HCM.
    3 kids - ages 23, 21, & 19. All presently clear of HCM.

    Comment


    • #32
      Reenie -

      That was good. Thanks for the hearty laugh.

      SheliRenee
      Mom of Keanu
      4 years old (will be in March)
      Dx at 2 days old with Biventricular hypertrophy
      Dx at 6 weeks with HOCM
      Dx at 5 months with V-tach
      Dx at 3 with Noonan Syndrome

      Comment


      • #33
        That was good! I laughed so hard that my poor stomach is killing me! Word of thought! Don't read the joke of the day after stomach surgery


        Mary S.

        Comment


        • #34
          Originally posted by Toogoofy317
          That was good! I laughed so hard that my poor stomach is killing me! Word of thought! Don't read the joke of the day after stomach surgery


          Mary S.
          Sorry Mary! Next time I'll try to time it better.
          Reenie

          ****************
          Husband has HCM.
          3 kids - ages 23, 21, & 19. All presently clear of HCM.

          Comment


          • #35
            Human resource humor... from the desk of Lisa
            some of my best stories as collected over the past 17 years...
            1. I am late to work because I arrived home last night to find that my chinchilla lost all its hair.
            2. I am sorry but your behavior is not appropriate...What do you mean it is not appropriate to have sex in the elevator during work hours?
            3. I was not really stealing the stuff, I was just storing it at my home..and in my car and at my uncles shop.
            4. No I am sorry but Family Leave does not allow you to visit Italy for the summer to visit your family...even if they are really old.
            5. NO I am not going to move the printer to a different location of the building because the sound is reminds you of your sister when she cried as a baby...and took the attention away from you...oh and how old are you ...55 years old.... (UFF DA!)
            6. Yes you may go home to take your child to the ER, what object did she place up her nose today...oh did the beeds come out ok last week? At least it was not a penny again!
            More to follow....
            Knowledge is power ... Stay informed!
            YOU can make a difference - all you have to do is try!

            Dx age 12 current age 46 and counting!
            lost: 5 family members to HCM (SCD, Stroke, CHF)
            Others diagnosed living with HCM (or gene +) include - daughter, niece, nephew, cousin, sister and many many friends!
            Therapy - ICD (implanted 97, 01, 04 and 11, medication
            Currently not obstructed
            Complications - unnecessary pacemaker and stroke (unrelated to each other)

            Comment


            • #36
              Re: Joke of the day

              A married couple had saved up some hard earned money for a well deserved and needed vacation, that in effect was to be a second honeymoon. It was however to be a very short weekend trip to a tropical island paradise, so time was of the essence.
              As fate would have it, as soon as the couple landed on the island, it happened. A toothache of epic proportions, just in time to ruin the trip. This tooth had been trouble before, and they knew it needed to be extracted.The couple found their way to the local dentist, and the poor woman explained to the dentist how this tooth needed to come out, and come out in a hurry as not to interfere with the honeymoon any more than need be.On the spot she told the dentist that she had decided to have this tooth extracted without the benefit of anesthesia.The dentist went on to explain to the woman that although it would speed up the recovery process, it would be painful beyond description. The woman said that her mind was made up, and there would be no anesthesia. The dentist then said "alright, have it your way...which tooth is it?" to which the woman replied " I don't know." The dentist said "What do you mean you don't know?" At which point the woman turned to her husband and said " Honey, open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is."
              Lisa\'s favorite (and smarter) big brother.

              Comment


              • #37
                Re: Joke of the day

                A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one very icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on Thursday and his wife would follow the next day.
                Upon arrival as planned, the husband checked into the hotel and decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail. However he left off one letter in her address and sent the letter without realizing his mistake.
                Meanwhile, in Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. She fainted upon reading the first message. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother and noticed the computer screen which read:
                To: My Loving Wife
                From: Your Departed Husband
                Subject: I've Arrived!
                I've just arrived and have checked in. I see that everything has been
                prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hopeyour journey is as uneventful as mine was.

                PS - Sure is hot down here!

                Comment


                • #38
                  Re: Joke of the day

                  Ok you both get points for those 2 they were good
                  lisa
                  Knowledge is power ... Stay informed!
                  YOU can make a difference - all you have to do is try!

                  Dx age 12 current age 46 and counting!
                  lost: 5 family members to HCM (SCD, Stroke, CHF)
                  Others diagnosed living with HCM (or gene +) include - daughter, niece, nephew, cousin, sister and many many friends!
                  Therapy - ICD (implanted 97, 01, 04 and 11, medication
                  Currently not obstructed
                  Complications - unnecessary pacemaker and stroke (unrelated to each other)

                  Comment


                  • #39
                    Re: Joke of the day

                    Did you know that it is a sin for a woman to make coffee?

                    It's in the Bible. . .

                    It says. . .

                    Hebrews!
                    HOCM, Septal Myectomy 10/02 (Mayo Clinic), Medtronic ICD 10/07, TIA 10/07

                    Comment


                    • #40
                      Re: Joke of the day

                      AMEN!
                      Knowledge is power ... Stay informed!
                      YOU can make a difference - all you have to do is try!

                      Dx age 12 current age 46 and counting!
                      lost: 5 family members to HCM (SCD, Stroke, CHF)
                      Others diagnosed living with HCM (or gene +) include - daughter, niece, nephew, cousin, sister and many many friends!
                      Therapy - ICD (implanted 97, 01, 04 and 11, medication
                      Currently not obstructed
                      Complications - unnecessary pacemaker and stroke (unrelated to each other)

                      Comment


                      • #41
                        Re: Joke of the day

                        I think that only applies to beer and ale. Women can make coffee.
                        Lisa\'s favorite (and smarter) big brother.

                        Comment


                        • #42
                          Re: Joke of the day

                          I agree Larry, now a great big AMEN
                          Allways remember you cannot control the wind!!
                          However you can adjust your sails!!

                          Comment


                          • #43
                            Re: Joke of the day

                            A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST: She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
                            Reenie

                            ****************
                            Husband has HCM.
                            3 kids - ages 23, 21, & 19. All presently clear of HCM.

                            Comment


                            • #44
                              Re: Joke of the day

                              Quick Visit to the Dentist

                              A husband and wife entered the dentist's office. The husband said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible rush. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
                              "You're a brave man," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."

                              The husband turns to his wife and says, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."



                              Kinda reminds me of a doctor when he says...the ICD wont hurt too bad if it fires!
                              Knowledge is power ... Stay informed!
                              YOU can make a difference - all you have to do is try!

                              Dx age 12 current age 46 and counting!
                              lost: 5 family members to HCM (SCD, Stroke, CHF)
                              Others diagnosed living with HCM (or gene +) include - daughter, niece, nephew, cousin, sister and many many friends!
                              Therapy - ICD (implanted 97, 01, 04 and 11, medication
                              Currently not obstructed
                              Complications - unnecessary pacemaker and stroke (unrelated to each other)

                              Comment


                              • #45
                                Re: Joke of the day

                                Hey Lisa....read back a few posts to my post of April 28 . I think you just told the "Cliff Notes" version of my joke!
                                Lisa\'s favorite (and smarter) big brother.

                                Comment

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