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Missie72 Find out more about Missie72
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  • Dating

    I was wondering how other single HCM'ers deal with dating? I didn't have much luck before I was diagnosed in 8/2011, but now it's much worse after my April Myectomy.

    I prefer to be upfront when I'm talking to someone about going on a date, then it's like they gradually stop talking to me and change their mind about a date, or become MIA immediately.

    Or if I don't say anything and we make it to the dating stage, they inquire about my scar. It'd be easier to hide it now that it's cold and I can wear turtlenecks, but unfortunately I haven't been asked on a date since it got cold lol

    I just feel like I'm hiding something that is a huge part of my life if I don't say anything, but I'm like the rest of the world, I don't want to be alone anymore.

    Anyone have any advice?
    HCM diagnosed 8/1/11
    changed to HOCM 1/23/12
    Septal Myectomy 4/5/12 at CCF
    Gene positive, no one in my immediate family is willing to be tested, including my 21 year old son

  • #2
    Re: Dating

    I wouldn't tell any potential date anything about my health. I would wait until I felt that there was a relationship that may go some place. Even then I would be limiting what I wanted to let them know. That would involve not letting them see and gaze upon the scar. Once the scar is exposed, then you'll have to explain. Good luck. You'll have to hang out in places where there are potential dates: libraries and churches come to mind. I haven't dated since I was 15, when I met the guy I am still married to at 62, so good luck!!
    Misdiagnosed Rhuematic Fever 17 yrs old
    Diagnosed with HCM - obstructed 10/26/11
    Myectomy - Mayo - Dearani - 1/5/012


    • #3
      Re: Dating

      I am sure you are going to get a huge range of answers here, from not saying anything to being completely open. I am an open book, so here's my thoughts...

      I would say if you want to tell people you are dating about your scar and your heart condition, then do it. Would you do it on the first date? Not sure- that's up to you, but I would probably not want to wait until a relationship develops and then spring something on someone about my heart condition. That's just me.

      When I started dating my now husband, I did not have HCM, but he knew that it was a possibility that I could develop it because he knew my mom had it and I had shared with him that I had to be checked, etc. This was really very early on in our relationship. Of course, his parents and my parents had been friends for many years prior to us dating so he knew mom's history, but I was completely honest about the possibility of it happening to me. I don't keep my condition a secret from really anyone at all, especially if they notice my ICD scar.

      My thoughts are truly this......if you meet someone, are honest with them about your condition from the get-go and that person sticks around, wants to be with you and maybe ends loving you regardless, then that was meant to be. If you tell someone early on and it scares them away, then forget about them because they were obviously not the right person for you.

      Just my two cents.


      • #4
        Re: Dating

        I think that Kaye has made a good point. "if you want to tell people you are dating about your scar or heart condition" implies that you have the date. Right now, you are telling them before the date and then the date never comes. Why don't you change your strategy? After all, they are dating you and not your scar. Yes, the scar is part of you, but only a part of the whole.

        Good luck !!
        Onward and Upward !

        Diagnosed 4/07 HCM with fixed & dynamic obstruction
        Myectomy with resected cordonae tendonae 4/08 CCF
        ICD 10/08


        • #5
          Re: Dating

          I wouldn't say anything at first. (you wouldn't tell them you had herpes would you ?? as an example) I'd give depth of answer based on # of dates, light at the beginning "this scar? old boyfriend broke my heart, Had it fixed" to full disclosure if getting serious/intimate, but in positive way. Good luck!
          Diagnosed @ 48
          Saw Dr. Michael Debakey @ age 5 - "He's fine, just a little noisy"
          Father to 3 boys 22, 25, 29 (all currently clear - pending genetics)
          AICD - Valentines Day '08, Spark Plug replaced 11/14
          After much research, I had a Myectomy @ Mayo for my 50th Birthday '08
          Quietly going insane . . .


          • #6
            Re: Dating

            6 years ago when I got divorced, I went on a few dates. I told the men up front about my heart condition. I did that because I didn't want to like a guy only to have him not want to date me once he found out. I told them about my myectomy too.

            The few men that I met said they didn't mind my heart condition, they were far more concerned that I didn't have much money and that my ex-husband got the house and the new truck in the divorce settlement.

            I could be wrong, but I think when we are honest, it weeds out the good from the bad.

            Eventually I did meet and date a really nice man for 4 years, we haven't dated for 2 years, but we remain good friends.

            At this point, I don't have the energy to date anymore. I focus my attention on my kids, work, and church.

            I hope you find a good person.
            49 yrs. old
            Diagnosed at 31.
            Cardiac Arrest 2003, RF Ablation in AZ, no positive result -
            First ICD 2003 - In 2006 lead went bad, abandoned lead, threaded new one & new generator
            Myectomy 5-5-05 at The Cleveland Clinic - Dr. Lever & Dr. Smedira -heart surgeon.
            Currently have Grade 2 Diastolic Dysfunction with pulmonary hypertension & pulmonary edema.
            My brother passed away suddenly at 34 yrs old from HCM.
            2 teenage children, ages 17 and 15.


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