Big Fat Wuss Boy

[mtlieb]

Hi All,

I don't know how you all do it. I honestly don't.

It seems like all of you have this incredible strength to get you through the day that I don't... yourself included Lisa. I have to be honest and admit here to you all, that sometimes I simply don't have that. I'm not a candidate for myectomy or ablation, so I'm left with drug-therapy only for my HCM. Most days I feel pretty good and go about my life just like everybody else. But to be honest, there are days when it takes a sheer act of will just to get my butt out of bed and get dressed. And some days, I just throw in the towel and I don't.

I'm not lazy. I've worked very hard just to get where I am today, which isn't all that far if truth be told. And maybe it's just because I've been fighting this stupid staph infection for so many months that it's just drained every ounce of energy out of me and I'm a bit depressed. But honestly... how in the heck do you all do it? I'm feeling like a big fat wuss-boy right now and I hate it.

Jim

[Lisa Salberg]

Re: Big Fat Wuss Boy

Dear big fat wuss boy,
STOP IT! We all have good and bad days. How do I get from one day to the next...simple I never say never, I always wait for the "good days" to show up and I am very happy to see them when they come.

I also know that there is a great deal more in the world than HCM...so there may be other factors that effect our moods, feelings and symptoms. I would not be quick to hang my hat on HCM for all the symptoms we may feel. YES - HCM maybe the largest of the reasons - but it may not be everything.

Some issues may not be physical - they may have a mental basis. NO Jim I am not saying it is all in your head - or that your nuts
you simply may have issues in your life that you need to work through so that the WHOLE Jim feels well. The physical, mental, spiritual...the entire YOU.

I find it helpful to REALLY look at all I have - and not at the things that I do not (like great health and tons of money ) Knowing what you have is sometimes much more healing then getting upset over what you do not have.

I know we all have one thing in common - we have this message board - this community - the friends and understand that one can only gain 'being a member' of the club you never wanted to join...having HCM in your life.

Jim - you are not a wuss - -funny....but not a wuss

Big hugs -
Lisa

[Glen Beamish]

Re: Big Fat Wuss Boy

Jim, I feel bad seeing how depressed you are right now and I can't say I blame you having to fight this infection as well as deal with HCM. I wish I could come up with some snappy advice that would bring you out of this, but the best I do is say hang in there it can only get better and there's usually always something you can do.
You know you can't do much about the HCM and infection except get the treatment they are giving you and that can be frustrating in itself.
But you know you can do something about the third component of your frustration.
A few years ago I was quite heavy and having similar energy problems as you. My HCM Doc ripped into me pretty good and told me I am getting to the age where the weight and HCM would eventually cause me problems.
I lost 30 pounds using 123 and my bike. My energy level went up considerably and so did how I felt about myself.
I'm sure if you worked at losing some, your energy level will increase and also being a positive accomplishment you won't be as depressed.
Look into it, it's something you do have control over.

[annamc]

Re: Big Fat Wuss Boy

Awe, Jim, I'm sorry your feeling depressed. Are you depressed over HCM or something else in your life? I read that you have a staph infection and that I heard is really bad, so that may be the cause of feeling so crummy.

so...

How do I do it? Well, each day I get up and thank God that I have been given another day (granted I forget sometimes to thank Him). Also, I think the other key is to recognize the things you have in your life and the people in it as well as doing something you love to do to get you through.

Take care Jim and I'm sure with a bit of lifestyle analysis to see if there's changes that you could make to get the WHOLE Jim to feel better, like Lisa suggested, that you will find yourself feeling loads better. Also, good advice from Glen...


-Anna

[cynthiaG]

Re: Big Fat Wuss Boy

Jim,
First of all, your body is using up energy fighting the staph infection....and you are NOT alone. I get depressed some days when I don't have as much energy (by early evening). I hate it when I see a woman running her 2 miles a day when I'm driving my son to school every morning. I wish I could do that so badly. But I try as often as I can to take my dog for a long walk at the field nearby and feel good after I do that...but trust me, no one hereis ALWAYS on top of the world. As Lisa mentioned, you have your good days and not so good days and I take advantage of the good days...I seem to have more energy in the mornings...hang in there!

[annamc]

Re: Big Fat Wuss Boy

I just read from another post, I think your Staph post that you got a new cardiologist that you like. I'm glad that you did, some doctors just don't want to listen to us no matter what we say, right?


Take care, Anna

[mtlieb]

Re: Big Fat Wuss Boy

Okay...

Perhaps I worded my post somewhat badly... because now I feel like I've been plunged suddenly into an Anthony Robbins info-mercial and you're all trying to keep me from 'offing' myself. Please be assured that this is not the case. All in all I'm feeling pretty good... I've been given this great opportunity for Grad School, I have some goals and direction, and I'm generally excited about starting a new and interesting phase of my life.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to write. I do appreciate it.

Physically though, I am beat. I've had this infection for such a long time, I think maybe it's just worn me down. I haven't slept well in months, I wake up with night-sweats, my heart pounding, and a few other annoying things that I've already mentioned in other posts. I'm just so tired I can't think straight tonight, so I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm whining. I try not to do that. The whole HCM thing came right on the heels of getting rid of the cancer, and perhaps I'm just feeling a bit sorry for myself as well.

And Glen, you are correct, I could certainly stand to lose some weight! Thank you for your candor, as I am one to appreciate that from my friends. One only has to look at my chubby (but cute) little face pic to the left to see that I need to drop a few pounds. I debated about adding the photo, but I think it's always nice to see who you are chatting with. Yikes! Now that's a face only a mother could love

By the way... Lisa, you are wrong. I really am nuts!

Thanks for your advice everyone. I think I just need to get rid of this bug and get some sleep, and perhaps everything will look better

Jim

[Lisa Salberg]

Re: Big Fat Wuss Boy

well I did not want to be the one to tell ya but...

Pity parties are allowed...sometimes....

No I do not think you are about to off yourself, but a little YOU time would sure help YOU feel better.

Be well (not a request...an order )

Lisa

[Glen Beamish]

Re: Big Fat Wuss Boy

Well since your not going to off yourself, I won't send you that Richard Simmons dancing to the oldies tape for Christmas.

Venting once in awhile is good for you.

[Bill]

Re: Big Fat Wuss Boy

Jim:

I've been taking beta blockers for 30 years for my symptoms but my HCM wasn't diagnosed until last Feb. When that happened the doc switched me from Inderal to Atenolol and quadrupled the dose (from 20mg/day to 80 mg/day). The new med didn't work for me, I started getting tachycardia symptoms again and the increased med dosage made me exhausted and depressed -- I felt like I couldn't get out of my own way.

My HCM isn't as serious as that suffered by many others on this board. Still, this little medication problem caused me some serious problems for six months!

I learned a couple of lessons from this:

1. Even when everything is in balance and I'm feeling pretty good, I'm not ever very far away from getting imbalanced somehow and feeling terrible, physically and emotionally.

2. I think HCM and its treatment contains a significant psychological factor. We've talked about HCM-related panic attacks here. Also, I think any illness related to the heart contains the potential for some depression. And beta blockers also seem to contribute to fatigue and feelings of being down-in-the-dumps.

Wish I had some advice. I don't. Sometimes I feel pretty good; when I don't, I just try to put one foot in front of the other until I do.

Anyway, I'm glad you brought this up. Sometimes humans try to put a big happy face on everything, and that isn't how things are.

Bill

[swinand]

Re: Big Fat Wuss Boy

Jim, as several responses have mentioned there are good days and some not so good days. On the not so good days you just do the best you can, and maybe even slow down a little bit. I helps. I used to wake up alot with night sweats, still do occaisionally. One thing that has worked for me is to watch what I eat in the evening. I try to eat a smaller evening meal, try not to eat after 7:00 or 7:30 at the latest. Before I tried that I was extremely uncomfortable in the evening and had trouble sleeping, heart pounding and night sweats too. These have decreased significantly since I began this regimen. Plus, the added benefit is I think I actually dropped a few pounds. At least my clothes fit better.
Are you sure all your meds are in balance? Could your staff medications be interacting with your HCM meds? Good luck, and don't get down on yourself, you've come this far and it sounds like you have a lot of good things happening for you too.

Steve.

[Reenie]

Re: Big Fat Wuss Boy



You all needed a big hug!

[LynnS]

Re: Big Fat Wuss Boy

Bill - thank you for putting into words what I have often found difficult to articulate about balance and HCM:

1. Even when everything is in balance and I'm feeling pretty good, I'm not ever very far away from getting imbalanced somehow and feeling terrible, physically and emotionally.

My experience with being diagnosed with HCM is short compared to so many others - I was diagnosed just in April 2002. But as I look back I've been having symptoms and effects from it since as far back as I can remember. I fight not to fall into old habits of going either 'full speed' and then paying the price or 'sitting idle' and not liking life or myself.

Jim - I'm so glad you started this thread. I too am often in awe of everyone and his/her ability to cope/move forward day to day. Despite my myectomy in Aug 2002 I still have symptoms and fight my body's limits each day. I recently started back to work after a 3.5 year hiatus after having my daughter. I only work 2 days a week but the balance and focus I now require to keep my body in check is tedious at best. I become frustrated at times and still often wonder, "what's my problem, why can't I just go like everyone else"? Apparently I still have a touch of denial and anger in me! Some days are better than others, some weeks are better than others, but invariably my pillow and I always have 'face time' an afternoon or two a week!

All the best to everyone!
Lynn

[mtlieb]

Re: Big Fat Wuss Boy

Thanks for the messages everyone. I'll be fine. Sorry i whined. I've been on antibiotics for ten straight weeks now for various reasons, so perhaps that's a factor in the fatigue issue as well. Thanks again. I'll be good and not complain anymore.

[Sarah]

Re: Big Fat Wuss Boy

dude ---this is the best place to complain!!! complain here and then you don't feel like you've dumped on your friends and family who don't get it.

plus, you just have to vent sometimes.

hang in there, but don't promise not to complain --that isn't good for you, either.

take care,
s