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  • Worried about my son

    [Worried about my son]

    Author: Amy (---.proxy.aol.com)

    Date: 12-04-02 12:03

    My seven year old son, Andre, has been dealing with the death of my mother very well. We have been very open with him about everything. He was extremely close to her, and when she was sick...dying in the hospital he was never afraid of her. He would climb right up and hold her hand and hug her. Since he also has HCM, I was quite concearned that he would become afraid of ending up like her. When she died, he went with my husband to see her body. This is a choice that we gave him we never pushed him to do it. He was worried that they may of made a mistake, and she wasn't really dead. He was afraid that they would bury her alive. When he went to see her body, it was a positive experience for him. He felt her heart to see if it was beating,,,he held her hand,,,told her knock knock jokes, put his photo on her heart and cried. He was so much braver than I was. He told me that he knew she was dead because he couldn't feel her heart and her hands were cold. I thought that he dealt with everything in a very healthy way.

    Here's what I am worried about:

    Today he confessed to me that he sees his Nana quite frequently. She is with him when ever he is afraid or needs help. He claims to really see her and genuinely believes that he does see her. He also said that they play this game together where they compete against each other to predict the future, and whoever gets it right scores a point. But she is not allowed to use her special powers.

    Is this normal healthy behaviour for a seven year old? Has anyone else had a similar experience? Should I have him see a counsler? Or Maybe I am overly worried?

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    [Re: Worried about my son]

    Author: Reenie Smith (---.snbrca.adelphia.net)

    Date: 12-04-02 12:33

    Dear Amy,

    While I understand your concern for Andre, please let him be for a while. I feel sometimes children are more open to seeing things that the rest of us don't see. My grandmother died when my niece was 6 months old, so there is no way she can "remember" her. But...Sarah Beth would often talk about Granny waving at her and winking, holding her, dinging to her, smiling at her, laughing at whatever she was doing at the moment, etc. She also explained in detail angels hovering near the ceiling and other somewhat spooky things. She has premonitions too.

    I do hope that you are able to let Andre be for a while. Maybe this is also part of his healing. Please know that you aren't alone. I'm sorry for your loss and I do hope the Christmas holidays are peaceful for you. Take care of yourself.

    Reenie

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    [Re: Worried about my son]

    Author: Leon (---.lncstr01.pa.comcast.net)

    Date: 12-04-02 14:49

    Dear Amy. I really believe Andre is quite healthy in his way of dealing with grief. In my experience (my wife died of cancer when our kids were 2 and 4) I discovered that kids come to grief naturally. They seem to know how and when to dose themselves with grief.

    I finally stopped worrying about how to “handle” their grief and allowed them to teach me about their grief by creating a safe place for them to explore it on their terms and share it with me. Sometimes that was through “happy memories”. Sometimes memories have emerged that I know are imaginations, but who cares. At other times my kids have sobbed for hours. The point is they did what worked for them as long as I didn’t get in the way. I simply needed to provide the healthy environment. My son (6 years old), who was only two at the time, has only recently begun experiencing his grief consciously.

    A wonderful resource on children and grief is by Alan Wolfelt and is called "Healing The Bereaved Child." He has a multitude of resources dealing with grief. One that was particularly helpful for my own grief was "The Journey Through Grief." As far as I am concerned he is the best on grief and mourning. His organization on the web is at

    www.centerforloss.com

    I won’t go on about this here for folks for whom is may not be pertinent, but would gladly correspond more with you (or anyone for that matter) on the side. Meanwhile I wish for you peace and healing as you grieve the loss of your mother. The pain never quite goes away, but it does eventuallybecome a part of you that adds strength to your life.

    Peace,

    Leon

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    [Re: Worried about my son]

    Author: Sarah B. Board Moderator (12.144.99.---)

    Date: 12-05-02 06:37

    Dear Amy,

    I have a degree in Psychology, so I know enough to be dangerous, but I think this is something your son will out grow of and it is not necessarily a bad thing for him to grieve this way for a while. He seems to know she is dead and that it is her ghost he is seeing ---remember that Haley Joel Osmet has made "seeing dead people" a buzz word--which is much better than thinking that Grandma is still there (that would be a problem).

    I would let it go if I were you, and let the family know to leave him alone about it. He'll very likely grow out of it when the time is right.

    Take care,

    S

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    [Re: Worried about my son]

    Author: Janessa (---.dialsprint.net)

    Date: 12-05-02 06:54

    Hi Amy,

    My daughter had just turned 2 years old when we lost my mom to HCM; sudden death. Nine years prior to my mom's death, we lost my aunt and of course Kennedy never "knew" her at all.

    She talks about both of them constantly. She says that she plays with her Granny and that she and Granny have played with her babies. She even calls my aunt by her nickname that she has never heard me refer to. Looking through an old photo album she has picked out pictures of my aunt when she had never seen pictures of her. She is now 4 years old and very talkative. She's not embarrased and she has no problem telling me and her 8 year old brother that she always plays with Granny and Aunt Nenon (nickname for Evon).

    I have no explanation for it but I know that it is real to her. Very real and more than just a dream when she's asleep. I am so jealous of her experiences. I wish I could share them with her because I miss my mom and my aunt more than I ever thought I could bare. My son thinks she's just being a silly kid but she is so descriptive and the details are so above her head. I have no explanation for my daughters experiences but I love the fact that she gets a taste of the love that I was fortunate enough to grow up with.

    Stay Blessed.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    [Re: Worried about my son]

    Author: Amy (---.proxy.aol.com)

    Date: 12-05-02 14:32

    Thanks for all of the comments. It is helpful to hear stories about how other children are dealing with grief. Part of me hopes that he really does see her, the other part knows that it is just his imagination. They were so close and I feel that he has been robbed of all of the love and experiences that his Nana could of given him as he grows up. I guess what matters is that it feels real to him, whether it is or not...so in a sense she is still with him. And if it is not real then he is just dealing with his grief and it is probably a very healthy way to do it. Knowing that other children have similar experiences makes me feel a whole lot better.

    Thanks,

    Amy
    NOTE: This is a post from the previous forum message board.

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